


Unseen Scars

by onihunter305



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Makeup, Post Episode s02 e20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-18 13:07:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11875155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onihunter305/pseuds/onihunter305
Summary: The breakup had been hard on both of them. Magnus hadn't been able to do anything without thinking of Alec and he had suffered while remembering all the ways in which he almost lost Alec permanently. Alec struggled with…well, everything.





	1. Magnus

**Author's Note:**

> So in honor of the lack of Shadowhunter episode tonight I decided to post a two-part story to sooth my sadness. Now the first part centers around Magnus and how he struggled with the break-up and his elation over their reunion. 
> 
> I was really stuck on Magnus' statement about how he couldn't do anything without thinking about Alec, and so this little story was born.

When Magnus told Alec that he couldn’t do anything without thinking about him, he hadn’t been exaggerating. Ever since he walked out of the infirmary that night, leaving a heartbroken shadowhunter in his wake, he had been wondering if he had made the biggest mistake of his very long life. During their time apart he wondered which mistake was causing him the most pain: allowing Alec Lightwood into his heart or allowing him to break it.

When he had gotten home that night the first thing that he saw was one of Alec’s old ragged sweaters. The one he always haphazardly threw across a chair in the living room. It had been sitting so innocently, waiting for it’s owner to come and wear it once more. Before he could stop himself, Magnus had incinerated it.

Later that night, as he removed his jewelry in preparation for going to bed, he was struck with the memory of Alec tentatively asking him if he wanted help removing his jewelry. After he had nodded, speechlessly, Alec had taken extreme care to remove each piece reverently and place it in the exact spot Magnus had taken it from. That was the first time Magnus realized that Alec must watch him more often than he thought.

The next morning, as he was putting on his make-up at the vanity mirror in his room, his eyes wandered to the corner of the bed. To the exact spot where Alec would sit and watch him apply his make-up on the mornings he didn’t have to be at the institute early.

The first time he summoned coffee, Magnus had instinctually summoned two. One light and sweet for him, and another black for Alec. He had banished the offending black coffee as soon as he realized what he had done.

The actual straw that had broken his resolve, the one that really caused the irreparable crack in his heart, was when he noticed Madzie searching his loft for the dark haired shadowhunter. She had run to him to greet him upon his return to the loft that afternoon, but as soon as he released her, he knew exactly who else she was looking for. She peered behind him, as if she expected Alec to walk through that door any moment. It was then that Magnus realized he wished for nothing more. It was then that he knew for sure that Alec had a place within his heart that would never be filled by another person. 

In the days that followed Magnus found himself struggling. He couldn’t sleep without the comforting weight next to him and the soft snores breaking up the silence. He couldn’t eat, as most food reminded him of what he no longer had and immediately made him lose his appetite. He could barely function.

As he walked back to the loft with the very person who had occupied is every thought, Magnus couldn’t believe how lucky they had both gotten that night.

They had survived Valentine. 

Magnus had been sure that he had seen his last sunrise that morning when he had received word from Luke that the Seelie Queen had made a deal with Valentine allowing him safe passage out of New York. He knew he had lived a long life and had taken time coming to terms with everything coming to an end. The only regret he had, as he looked out over Brooklyn from his balcony, was that he no longer had Alec to share his last moments with. 

Yes, he had been the one to break things off with Alec, but he hadn’t been able to hold in the longing he felt as the sun rose high in the sky and he realized he might never see the dark haired shadowhunter again. 

Looking to his right, he couldn’t help the small smile that graced his face as his eyes gazed over that same shadowhunter. Alec was walking slowly at his side. They had survived the battle against Valentine. They had reunited. He had his Alexander once more. His hand, steady on Alec’s lower back, reassured him of his presence as they walked. 

Magnus shuddered as he thought of all the ways he almost lost Alec throughout the day. 

First he had shut the door in his face, praying the man on the other side would disappear through sheer willpower. The pain of facing him right after having another betrayal thrown in his face was too much. The contrast was too stark. All he kept thinking, as Luke spat out his “I told you so,” was how he had thought that very same statement as Alec confessed to knowing about the soul sword. How he had hated himself for opening up so freely to someone who had done the very thing he feared. He had guarded his heart for almost 100 years by making sure he had nothing he loved enough to fear losing it. The moment he let Alec in fully, his trust was thrown back in his face in the form of lies and withholding secrets. So he almost turned him away, almost locked him out without even hearing whatever it was he had to say. Because, in Magnus’ mind, there was nothing he could say that would ever mend the damage he had done to Magnus’ heart. 

Then, Alec was almost taken out by the Edomei demon. He had been focused on closing the rift, throwing all of his energy into doing it as fast as possible to avoid any further demons from escaping. He heard Alec calling for him as he worked. He could hear the ever growing desperation in his voice as he ran closer. Magnus wanted to ignore him, wanted to just get his job done so he could return to his pity party on his balcony. He was almost done sealing the rift when he heard the pure fear lacing every word, without a second thought he turned to blast the demon out of the sky and effectively save Alec’s life. That extra burst of energy had made closing the rift slightly more difficult, but it was worth it in the end. It was all worth it to feel the warmth of Alec’s hand resting on his back as he checked on him. He had felt his resolve cracking at that moment, he had wanted to turn and fall into Alec’s warm arms more than anything. But the pain of the betrayal flared up and he shook off Alec’s hand and stood on his own accord. 

Back at the Institute marked the third time he almost lost Alec. He had been studying the monitors, trying to determine where the demons might be hiding when Alec let out a guttural and agonizing groan. Without thinking he turned and asked if he was okay, even though it was obvious that he wasn’t. He could hear the pain lacing every breath Alec took as he lifted the corner of his shirt slightly to expose the burning Parabatai rune on his lower abdomen. Magnus heard Izzy comment, but he couldn’t be bothered to make out the words. His whole world was focused on Alec as he gasped out that something had happened to Jace. Crying out again Alec’s hands gripped the edge of the sensor table tightly before another wave of pain brought him down to his knees. Before Magnus could blink, Alec had fallen to the ground, crying out in agony. Magnus leapt into action before he could think twice. He knelt next to Alec and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder as he tried to support his weight. Alec’s body collapsed to the ground, partly leaning on Magnus, as his body trembled with the fiery burn of his soul being ripped apart. Alec’s hand was wrapped painfully tight against where his rune was burned into his skin and Magnus wanted nothing more than to remove some of Alec’s pain. He could hear the harsh breaths that he struggled to take in as he held his shoulders tightly. After what seemed like hours, though it was probably only a few minutes, Alec lifted his shirt once more to reveal unmarked skin. Magnus’ heart broke and he recognized what had happened, Alec had just lost his brother, his parabatai. He felt the fight leave Alec’s body and he did everything he could to support his weight as he lowered Alec’s body to the floor. He barely recognized Alec declaring what they already knew, he ignored the statement that proclaimed that Jace was dead. All he could focus on was when Alec fell apart and dissolved into tears.

Magnus felt his throat tighten at the memory of Alec, laying broken on the floor on the ops center, inconsolable as he cried over the loss of his parabatai. It had taken him and Isabelle almost an hour to get him up and onto his feet and even then Magnus barely recognized him. It wasn’t until they were about to step through the portal that Alec slipped his mask in place.

As he gazed upon that once broken man, Magnus felt the need to tangle his fingers with Alec’s. His hand slid down his back and eventually found its home within Alec’s own. He tightened his grip and felt a thrill of joy course throughout his body when Alec gripped his hand just as tightly. 

Alec may have broken down all his walls, he may have made him more vulnerable than he had felt in almost a century, and he may have made him feel as though life wasn’t really worth living anymore. But right now, in this moment as they walked down the streets of Brooklyn back to his penthouse loft, Alec felt like home.


	2. Alec

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter, focused on how Alec 'handled' the break-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, Alec is very angsty throughout this chapter and it isn't necessarily the feel-good type of story that some may have imagined after the season finale. Reasoning being that I think Alec wouldn't have known how to handle the break-up and consequentially the make-up. Clearly he is used to taking the blame for things that aren't necessarily his fault and I believe he would take the burden of the break-up on the mistakes he made throughout the relationship (not that he would be wrong). 
> 
> Worry not though, they are together at the end and as happy as I think they could be. :-)

When Magnus had left him outside the infirmary after breaking up with him Alec felt as though his heart was racing faster than it ever had before. It was pounding harder than when he successfully completed his first mission. It was aching more than when he first recognized that he felt something more than brotherly love for Jace. And it was spreading anxiety quicker than when he stopped his own wedding to kiss a male downworlder in front of his family and representatives from the Clave. 

Although he had appeared semi-calm on the outside, Alec felt as though the ground on which he stood was crumbling with every step Magnus took towards that elevator. Once the door to the elevator shut, Alec felt his knees buckle. If he had been in private he would have collapsed to the floor. As it was, he had to return to his little brother’s bedside where he was recovering from his life-threatening injury. 

As soon as he had re-entered the room, Izzy’s eyes were trained on him. He saw her expression soften to one of pity and he wondered what his face looked like for her to guess what had happened within seconds of his appearance. She came over and placed a comforting hand on his elbow, her thumb rubbing cloth covering his skin casually to show support without drawing further attention.

As soon as it was appropriate, Alec fled. He couldn’t take Izzy’s well meaning looks of pity as she constantly checked in with him to make sure he was okay. He wasn’t okay. His life was crumbling before him. His brother had almost been killed, they found out they didn’t have the mortal mirror in their possession, Valentine’s son had been infiltrating the institute for weeks without them realizing, and the love of his life had just walked out on him. 

Once he had finished his report to the Clave he sat alone in his office. He knew he should retire and get some sleep. He knew the next few days would be filled with raids trying to capture Valentine, he would need to be at full strength to be able to help. But, when he thought about going to bed alone, in his bed at the institute, he felt sick to his stomach. 

So he spent the first night of the break-up holed up in his office catching up on paperwork and trying to figure out a strategy on how to handle the capture of Valentine and his demon-son Jonathan. 

After the meeting with the downward council, when Magnus had completely ignored his presence and all his efforts to meet his eye or speak with him, Alec felt like he was two feet tall. He had always struggled with confidence, having grown up in Jace’s shadow, but having Magnus treat him like dirt at the bottom of his shoe effected Alec more than anything he had been through before. 

Alec began to wonder if Magnus never did love him. If he loved him, how could he treat him like that. Alec loved Magnus with everything he had, he ached to be able to touch him and speak with him, and then there was Magnus who seemed content to pretend Alec was an annoying fly buzzing around. 

Alec had left that meeting and thrown up everything he had managed to eat that day. He felt hollow and empty inside, it was obvious to him that Magnus couldn’t truly have ever loved him like he had claimed.

That night, Alec turned back into the perfect soldier. The one that didn’t let his emotions cloud his judgement and focused on how to best help his people. He shut down whatever emotions he had left and struggled to focus on what needed to be done.

He had failed. The moment Izzy offered to go talk to Magnus he had caved. He couldn’t help but feel like he was a glutton for punishment as he walked up the stairs slowly to Magnus’ penthouse loft. He knew the other man wouldn’t be happy to see him. He knew that the warlock didn’t ache just to see him like Alec did. And yet, Alec knocked with a ray of hope. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, Magnus really did love him and would want to see him. 

The look he was given, and the distain with which Magnus spat out “shadowhunter,” quickly dispelled any of that hope and caused the crack in Alec’s heart to grow. 

By the end of the day Alec’s nerves were frayed and he felt as though he was holding on by a thread. He had gone through a gamut of emotions and he need some closure in his life. Magnus may not love him like Alec did, but he couldn’t be in limbo anymore with the gentle touches and traces on concern. So he decided he was going to ask to talk to him. To get everything out in the open. He needed Magnus to know that he loved him and couldn’t function properly without him. And he needed Magnus to admit that he didn’t love him so that he could close that chapter of his life and start a new one.

Never, even in his wildest dreams, did he think Magnus was going to tell him he couldn’t get him out of his mind and then proceed to kiss him. Alec had felt his knees go weak for the second time that day. Magnus loved him. He still loved him and wanted to be with him. Alec didn’t know how to feel. He was elated that Magnus still loved him and wanted to be with him again. 

Alec felt like he could breath again when Magnus’ lips touched his gently. He didn’t know how long Magnus would put up with him this time, but he was determined to do everything in his power to make sure that he didn’t screw it up again. He now knew what it was like to try and live without Magnus’ in his life and he didn’t want to ever give the other man a reason to leave him again. 

When Magnus suggested they leave the party and go back to his loft, Alec felt weak. In fact, if it wasn’t for Magnus’ steadying hand on the small of his back, he wasn’t sure he would have found the strength to walk back to Magnus’ apartment. 

He could feel the stress and anxiety of the past three days catching up to him as they walked. He could feel everything he had put off crashing down in waves of exhaustion and panic. He was exhausted because he hadn’t slept more than an hour or two total in those days. And he was panicked because all he could think about and focus on was the fear of screwing up again and losing Magnus all over again. And he was doing everything in his power to suppress that fear. He didn’t want Magnus to know, he didn’t want that to be the straw that broke the camel’s back… again. 

He felt Magnus’ hand lace their fingers together and he tightened the grip so that he could have something to focus on. Just that gentle pressure of their joined fingers was able to ground him enough to get him back to the loft.

Stepping through the threshold was almost a surreal experience. The last two times he had been to that door he hadn’t been welcomed. One time he was requesting an angry Magnus’ help to try and save his little brother’s life; Magnus almost didn’t open the door. The other time had only been earlier that day, when Alec had come to request his assistance in closing the rift; Magnus had tried to slam the door in his face.

Alec didn’t blame him. He knew he had screwed up. He had tried to apologize, again, back in the alley behind the Hunter’s Moon. Magnus didn’t want to hear it. Alec wondered if he would ever truly be forgiven for what he had done. 

Once inside, and the door shut firmly behind him, Alec took a moment to scan the area. Even though it had only been three days since he last called this place home, it seemed unwelcoming. Alec could barely see any trace of the things he had left behind. His sweater, which was always draped over a chair in the living room was missing. The hook next to the door from which he used to hang his arrow and quiver had vanished. The flower he had brought Magnus the day before their fight, flowers that should still be alive as they weren’t that old and Magnus usually kept them alive longer than biologically possible with magic, were nowhere to be seen. The loft felt cold to him.

Alec found himself wrapping an arm around his waist to help hold himself together. He felt the panic rising within him once more. Panic that had been pushed down and suppressed too much in the past few days. Alec didn’t know what to do. He was afraid to do anything. Afraid that one wrong move would prompt Magnus to send his sorry ass packing once more. Alec felt so unsure of himself and he hated it.

~*~

Magnus had entered his loft and immediately started making himself more comfortable. Off went his jacket, magicked into the closet effortlessly. He toed his shoes off and placed them on the rack next to the door. He sauntered over to the drink cart, planning on making himself another martini to continue his happy buzz. That’s when he finally realized Alec wasn’t moving about as he usually did. 

Turning abruptly he took in the scene before him. Alec was standing just inside his doorway, one arm wrapped around his waist and the other dropped to his side. His eyes were dull and tired but Magnus easily recognized the tendrils of panic that were slowly closing in on him.

“Alexander?” Magnus questioned. He wasn’t sure what had brought all of this on. He thought Alec was happy to come back to the loft with him. 

In the alley he seemed eager to escape the party so they could have some time together. They had begun to make up, begun to get back together. Alec had told him he couldn’t live without him. And yet, Magnus could see the insecurities that plagued the young man in front of him. He was very familiar with that sight, it had been the sight he had witnessed for the first few months of their relationship. When dating was still new and Alec was afraid that any little mistake he made would be met with immediate termination of their relationship. 

Magnus let out a sad sigh as he began to piece together what was happening. 

“Alexander,” he said again, this time softer. He walked slowly towards the taller man and eventually wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. He felt Alec’s body tense at the initial contact and he hated that he was the cause of that tension. Sometimes it was so easy for him to forget that he was Alec’s first and only relationship. That Alec still struggled with his sexuality and being comfortable in his own skin. Clearly their break-up and set Alec back in the confidence department. Alec was once again afraid that Magnus wouldn’t break-up with him over any little thing or disagreement and Magnus could kick himself for not noticing his inner turmoil sooner. 

Eventually he felt Alec’s arms tightened around him as the dark haired shadowhunter collapsed into Magnus’ arms. 

Magnus struggled to support Alec’s full weight as the younger of the two’s knees buckled. “I’ve got you Alexander, I’ve got you.” He reassured him. 

“I’m sorry,” he heard Alec whisper, over and over again like a mantra. 

“I know baby, I know. I forgive you. It’s all in the past. I promise,” Magnus whispered back, one free hand coming up to play with the hair on the nape of Alec’s neck. 

Eventually Alec was able to support his weight once more and slowly pulled back from Magnus ever so sightly. Magnus could see the weariness that surrounded him. If Alec felt half as exhausted as he looked, Magnus was eager to get him into bed. 

“I’m going to propose that we skip the bath part of the ritual tonight and instead head straight to bed. I think we both could use a good nights sleep,” Magnus said, looking Alec in the eyes to make sure he understood what he was proposing. 

He could see the hopeful look in Alec’s eyes, the longing. Without saying a word, Alec nodded.

Magnus lead them to the bedroom and slowly lowered Alec to the edge of the bed so that he could take off his boots. Magnus flitted around the room and made quick work of readying himself for bed. When he turned back to Alec, the shadowhunter had barely moved. 

“I’m going to help you,” Magnus said, kneeling down in front of Alec and beginning to unlace his boots. Alec seemed to watch him with amazement in his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. 

Eventually Alec’s boots were off and organized at the foot of the bed. Magnus then helped Alec out of his coat and jeans, leaving him in his t-shirt and boxers. He gently lowered Alec down so that he was laying down on the right side of the bed. Magnus curled up on the left side. 

Alec opened his mouth as if to say something, as if to apologize again. Magnus quickly silenced him with a chaste kiss on his lips. 

“We’ll talk more in the morning. Right now, we both deserve to get some sleep. I love you Alexander. I never stopped loving you. I want you to know that before you fall asleep,” Magnus said, looking straight into Alec’s eyes as he laced their fingers together once more. Alec was the first to break the gaze, his eyes darting down to their connected hands before burying his head into Magnus’ shoulder. 

“I will never stop loving you,” Alec replied into the warmth of Magnus’ neck. Magnus felt tears threaten to well up in his eyes as he heard Alec’s declaration. 

Magnus watched as the tension slowly left his body as it succumbed to sleep. He could feel the warm breath on his neck as Alec tried to move impossibly close to Magnus’ body in his sleep.

Magnus gazed down at his shadowhunter with sadness in his eyes. He didn’t know how Alec had coped with their separation, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know. All he did know was that they needed to have a long talk about it. But that would have to wait until the morning, right now he could feel the pull of sleep calling to him, he had the love of his life in his arms, and he was unable to resist it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, that's the story. Hope y'all liked it!
> 
> Additionally, I have been in a 6 month process of writing an AU story. I've never written/posted an AU story before so I'm a little hesitant to put it up. I'm still a whiles away from finishing it, but I would like to hear other's opinions of AU stories (if you would be so inclined to share). I have mixed feelings about them myself, but this was one little plot bunny that straight up haunted me until I started to type it out. Thanks in advance for your thoughts/opinions.

**Author's Note:**

> I took a little liberty in the end regarding Alec's reaction to Jace's death. I assume that he was more broken up than the show portrayed. I also figured there was some kind of time lapse as Clary was unconscious for an undetermined amount of time and Alec had to peel himself off the floor. So I made it that Magnus had to help hold Alec together in the ops center before he portaled them.
> 
> Now the next part will be darker as it will cover how Alec dealt with their time apart and the reappearance of his insecurities. But, more to be explained about that and the path I took for that part in the next chapter.


End file.
